i will never be a teenage author

photo by me

i'm turning twenty this summer. and i'm scared.

i hate change. i hate the idea of getting older. of losing my childhood and entering the scary phase of adulthood. of growing up. the possibility of outgrowing or losing touch with old friends.

i'm sitting here, thinking of all the things that i will never accomplish as a teenager.

- i will never publish a book as a teenager. 

- i will never date as a teenager.

- i will never travel to another country as a teenager.

and the list could go on and on.

photo by me

and i know it's silly. there's so many exciting things ahead of me, and i shouldn't be upset that i won't be a teenager anymore. 

but it's ok.

it's ok to feel sad and regretful. 

i've thought about this a lot. 

it's ok that i won't ever be a teenage author. because, you know, i'm not ready. i could publish a story now, but it would be awful. 

and it's ok. 

i may not publish a book until i'm twenty five or thirty or even later. 

and that's ok.

i will eventually publish a story. it may be a story that i wrote as a teenager. a book that i spent the summer of '18 writing - and falling in love with storytelling. 

now, i'm not trying to say that people shouldn't publish books as teenagers. i've read many amazing books written + published by teenagers, and i have so much respect for them. 

but, i don't want to do something just to do something. i don't want to publish a crappy book just to say, hey look at me. i'm a teenage author. 

i may never be a teenage author, but i was once a teenage writer.

photo by me

instead of thinking of all the things i will never accomplish or do as a teenager, i started thinking about what i have done as a teenager. 

- i wrote two novels as a teenager. 

- i edited one as a teenager. 

- i wrote countless short stories and started dozens more as a teenager. the tattered pieces of notebook paper, covered in my childish scrawl, live in an overflowing file box under my desk. they're a testament to how much i've grown as a writer, even in the last year.

as a teenager, i became a voracious reader. i fell in love with harry potter and sherlock holmes and agatha christie, and found books that have changed my life in countless ways. as a teenager, i discovered the incredible power that words hold. 

as a teenager, i became serious about my faith and strove to make it my own. as a teenager, i pursued many interests and applied to colleges. as a teenager, i stepped out of my comfort zone when i moved away to college. as a teenager, i discovered that i didn't want to major in chemistry or science - and  decided to pursue a career that i never considered before. 

as a teenager, i learned how to drive and overcame my crippling fear of driving. now, i enjoy driving. something that i never thought possible. 

as a teenager, i realized how much i love writing and decided that no matter what i major in, i would always be a writer. 

and you know, i still have a lot to learn about writing. 

one of the books that i wrote as a teenager has no plot. it's a rambling, sun-filled book about two best friends who write a book together. that's it. there's a whole lot of work to be done.

the other book that i completed as a teenager has a lot of drafts ahead of it. the dialogue needs to be written. the characters need more development. themes have to be incorporated earlier. but ya know? i had so much fun writing that book. i'm really enjoying editing it right now. 

all in all, it's ok that i haven't published anything as a teenager. eventually, i will publish a story. whether traditional or indie, i don't know yet. 

it's ok that i will never do certain things as a teenager. 

all i know is that there are exciting adventures ahead, and i trust that God knows what He's doing in my life. 

- - - -

so this post is just me spewing thoughts

that have been on my mind lately.

i hope it all makes sense.

love, 

a l l i s o n